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Oh, how thy streak must end’d. The final whistleth must blow, and the dear Hacks dreameth of emerging victorious proved ever unconqu’rable. As thy veteran scribes Andrew Crane, Skyler Rivera, Gaurav Shetty and Tim Nolan did check in to thy contest f’r the final timeth, they were jargogled by a rather unusual sight: the Fanboys of WAER vanquishing their recent failures and conquering thy Hacks — what hasn’t been done since the days of Paul Schwedelson.

“All I can say is please beat those a**holes next year,” Nolan quipped post-match.

The succession to fill the lost and missed, whom hadst hath led the dear scribes to a quartet of consecutive victories, beganeth during the days of autumn wherest the air is crisp and the rims are pulpy. The sophomore sensation Tyler Schiff, united with fellow novice scribes Anish Vasudevan, Adam McCaffery and Nick Luttrell, assembled as a lot so assiduous and scrupulous that it seemed the Hacks’ stretch of victoriousness would continue into the 22nd year of the 21st century as ordained by the Gregorian calendar.

But alas, it wasn’t to be. The recruitment and promotion of the incredibly novice and tall Fanboy Thomas Cook, a gentleman promoted just mere days before the event as part of a “10-day contract,” per undisclosed Fanboy sources, created a scene never rendered before in front of the Hacks. Cook’s placement of the ball through the nylon mere seconds into timekeeping proved symbolic of the whipping the 6-foot-7 Fanboy would hand the scribes throughout the Hacks’ 58-46 defeat. In the gathering inside the enclave that is thy Carrier Dome, the Hacks proved unable to once again conquer the Fanboys.

“It’s not a rivalry if the same team wins every year,” scribe Roshan Fernandez said.

As the roundball worked its majesty, spinning around the arc from scribe to scribe, radio nerd to radio nerd, the Fanboys gained rule over the early stretch, successfully acquiring a lead of eight counts to none briefly after timekeeping hath started.

But thy Hacks proved to possess no quit and tied the orbe score by the midway point of the 40-minute affair, as dictated by the gentleman in chargeth. A play for the ages, created by one of the Hacks’ leaders, created an urge and filled the arena with energy. The clueless Fanboy drove to the cup, seeking a score, but instead it was Vasudevan’s two hands — right and left — that emerged victorious in the one-on-one battle, swatting the shot and sending the poor radio nerd to the floor in defeat. Schiff’s pass on the court’s other end found beloved headman Connor Smith in the corner for a needed heave that added three counts to the scribe’s name.

The Scribes came up short despite an impressive display of teamwork and coolness in the 2022 Media Cup. Meghan Hendricks | Photo Editor

The sensation, fueled by his endless rehearsals in the nights before the great roundball event, proved to the cockalorums that thy advantage had zero safekeeping. After heaving and successfully swishing yet another score, Schiff placed a sole index finger to his lips directly in front of the Fanboys’ gathering place.

“We’re here,” Schiff told the hated Fanboys. “Let’s make it five in a row.”

The sensation’s team-high 16 points created a close contest that stretched into the late hours of the night as moon and snowflakes gained great control, yet no side could gain the likewise advantage on the great court of Jim Boeheim. Nolan, attempting to fill the void left by the great scribe and captain Danny Emerman, oozed confidence and coolness. But his heaves — one as unsuccessful as the next — couldn’t find the net’s rear.

As the game’s intensity heightened, a record-breaking crowd became as earsplitting as man could imagine, and the great court’s luck (and unluck) proved to hath emerged. A unique prayer heaved by a prancing McCaffery from thy left edge of the wing found glass, and glass found net.

“Finish strong on three, one … two … three!” head scribe Rivera bantered during one timeout, trying to move her team into the game’s advantage. Alas, though, the snollygosters that compose the WAER radio station thwarted any chance for a comeback behind the luck of their charity stripe theatrics and work their headman had put into bribing an out-of-touch officiator. Even the valiant efforts of the handler of thy great 230 Euclid cowbell — because any great club needs more cowbell — couldn’t stop the bloweth of the zebra’s whistleth and the swishes from the line.

The finish was not the one the Hacks hath seeked entering the night, but alas, next year, after a year of the great Earth orbiting the Sun, the opportunity to vanquish rivals will trump all.

“WAER is kind of like a one-hit-wonder artist that manages to come out with a good song every five years,” Crane said. “Occasionally good, but not consistently great enough to stay above the radar of relevance. I think we saw that over my four years of Media Cup games. The future is bright for The D.O., so the Fanboys’ win was definitely a fluke.”

W.F. Whence is a germanificated staff sculptor for The Daily Orange, where he re-germanificated to sculpt this glistening prose.

Published on February 16, 2022 at 9:23 pm