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Faegan’s and Orange Crate are probably running out of ideas to get college students out of their comfy beds and onto the streets of Syracuse — “$2 Tuesdays” at Orange Crate and “Flip Night” at Faegan’s just aren’t cutting it anymore. The people are dying for something new, something that’s never done before. That’s why I teamed up with a group of Dean’s list Whitman marketing students to compose a list of brand spanking new ideas to help the Marshall Street bars rake in more customers.

1. First on our list, we have something we’re calling Monday Night Madness. $2 Tuesdays are kind of expensive. I mean, two dollars! That’s like eight quarters or if we’re getting super technical, like 200 pennies. That’s enough pennies to stuff in a sock and really hurt someone with. Orange Crate, I know you don’t want people slugging around socks filled with 200 pennies. So, why not do a night where all the drinks are free?

2. Next up, my team and I came up with Taco Tuesdays. This suggestion could be applied to either Faegan’s or Orange Crate. Get this, on Tuesdays, instead of selling drinks, you get half-eaten, cold tacos from the Ernie dumpster and serve it in beer mugs. Let’s be real, alcohol is kind of overrated at this point, but cold dumpster tacos on the other hand …

3. Faegan’s is known for Wednesday night “Flip,” so let’s not mess with the name here. Keep calling it “Flip,” but instead of flipping a coin, have the bartenders flip each customer’s drink upside down. It’s like Dairy Queen, but instead of a milkshake, you get an empty glass and a wet bartender. Score!

4. This next one’s sure to get people talking. It’s called Thirsty Thursday. Is it hot in here? Yes, it is and it’s because the management of Orange Crate and Faegan’s turned up the heat all the way. My team’s advice for Faegan’s and Orange Crate on Thursdays is turn up the heat and remove all sources of cool air. We talked to our legal team, and technically it’s not illegal. Nothing gets people thirsty for another drink like sweating through their crop tops in a crowded bar.

5. Fridays are the most important night for bars. That’s why my team and I are proposing Freshman Friday. There’s nothing upperclassmen love more than being surrounded by entitled freshmen all night. And don’t worry about serving underaged patrons, just have the youngsters stand around and remind the upperclassman about how many days are left until graduation. They’ll love it!

6. Cheers to the weekend because it’s Senior Saturday! And no, not the graduating kind. Senior Saturday would encourage Syracuse residents ages 65 and up to drink a couple beers, comment on how girls don’t wear jeans without holes in them anymore, and then go home in time for “Jeopardy!” It’ll have everyone saying, “Wow, I wish I went to Senior Saturday. That looked fun, and not in a sarcastic way!”

7. Sober Sundays. No alcohol will be served on Sundays. Besides, people don’t go to bars for alcohol anyways. They go for the atmosphere, and there’s nothing better than being stone cold sober in an empty Syracuse bar.

Published on April 12, 2022 at 12:01 am