It took a lot of effort on my part to restrain myself from talking about the mumps.

There were memes in Facebook groups, articles in every news outlet and jokes flying through the common Syracuse University student’s vernacular. Everyone was getting in on it. Even my co-Humor columnist, Annabeth, got in on the action. But through all of it, I kept my mouth shut.

I mainly kept my mouth shut to avoid contracting the mumps, but that’s another story.

I figured this outbreak would have subsided by now — considering it started in August — but clearly not. There are 41 confirmed and 78 probable cases, according to Health Services, which is still a ton, but I guess we’ve become immune.

The “Bumps the Mumps” booster event held Tuesday on the Quad caught my eye, though, and I knew I had to say something. It’s a genius move by the university. Thus far, they’ve done what they can: Booster shots were offered three times, warning email blasts were sent out and campaigns were held throughout dorms.

The only problem is that I wasn’t pumped about the mumps.

So, several organizations planned the event on the Quad to “Bump the Mumps.” In an email sent to the student body, Student Association Vice President Angie Pati said there would be “free T-shirts and stickers,” and “cups featuring snap codes linking to health services information.”

I mean, doesn’t that sound dandy? Free hot chocolate and free cups on the Quad. Except, wait, isn’t the mumps mainly spread through the sharing of cups?

Is this all a conspiracy organized by the university? Do campus leaders actually want to spread mumps on campus? Why else would they be giving out free cups and drinks? The more people there who have cups and who are drinking drinks, the more chance for mumps to spread.

Why would they do this?

I have two ideas. The second is much more likely, but I’ll throw them both out there. First, the more mumps cases there are at SU, the more likely the Center for Disease Control and Prevention will label it an epidemic and send in support from the government to fix it.

It’s either that, or the fact that The New York Times recently published an article about mumps in the United States and Syracuse was only included in, like, one sentence. We want to be moved up in that article, to the second paragraph at least.

So, I am now in the process of writing this article, skeptical of the “Bump the Mumps” event.

Back to Angie Pati’s email. It said the event will have students “take the pledge to do our parts to help prevent the spread of mumps.” Wow, taking a pledge to stop a viral disease is going to help? That makes no sense. Saying a pledge isn’t going to do anything. That’s like pledging to never break your arm. “I pledge that I will never break my arm, because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to raise my arm and take this pledge.”

Plus, the event has a theme. It’s the hit Netflix show “Stranger Things.” I mean, how much less effort can you put into that, Health Services? There’s no pun or anything. If you look at the picture at the top of the article, it just says “Bump the Mumps” in the same typeface as the show’s name.

I mean, I can just imagine a bunch of Health Services people in their weekly meeting saying, “Hey, what’s the theme of this mumps event going to be?”

Then, another person says, “Eh, what are the kids into these days? I hear them talking about that ‘Stranger Things’ show. Let’s do that,” and everyone else agrees to seem relatable. But I mean, I guess the theme kind of works because “Stranger Things” is about a boy who disappears, and that’s what happens when anybody on campus gets the mumps.

Look, the event happened today from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. on the Quad. I didn’t go because of what I believe this event stands for.

Do I think this event will do nothing to prevent the spread of the mumps? No. But, do I also think this is just an elaborate spending of money so that Health Services can claim it had events to educate the student population, no matter if it actually works? Also no.

But, do I think that this an elaborate plan by the university to get everyone together to spread the mumps even more and get more national attention with a higher spot in the mumps in national publications? Yes, that’s definitely it.

Josh Feinblatt is a junior television, radio and film major. He does not have the mumps but honestly wouldn’t mind five days of isolation on South Campus — that’s why he didn’t get the booster. You can reach him on Twitter @joshfeinblatt, by email at jfeinbla@syr.edu and definitely not at the “Bump the Mumps” event.

Published on November 15, 2017 at 12:08 am