I am going to be unemployed.

I wrote an article earlier in the semester about how this is my last semester on main campus. Next semester I’ll be in Syracuse University’s Los Angeles Semester, in the hopes of taking a half-step into the real world. While I’m there, I’ll have an internship. After that, I’m expected to get a job.

There is no shot that will happen. Why? Because I suck at networking.

This is my third go-around for internships. In the past two years, I estimate I’ve applied to, let’s say, a thousand. Obviously that’s lowballing it, but still.

The number of internship coordinators who have gotten back to me, based solely on my application, is less than the number of times I have met the chancellor. Look, I am an avid fan of him — some might call me his biggest fan — but despite my love and support of Kent, he’s very busy. The amount of times I’ve met him is small.

Most internship applications don’t work out for me. For all I know, they go straight to the trash folder of my own computer.

I’ve gotten any past internships through knowing people, which makes sense, because that’s how you get jobs in the TV and film industry. But, at this point, I’ve run out of people I know. And no, I haven’t run out of people I know in the industry, I have run out of people I have ever met.

Since I’ve run out of people to beg — I mean ask — for help, I’ve had to face my biggest fear. I’ve had to network.

I find networking very difficult. It’s like having to pretend you’re interested in how the Costco free samples are made and then hoping they offer you one at the end.

I would love to have a new contact AND an internship, but I just don’t understand why I have to pretend that I’m not interested in working. Even though the point of networking is to get a job, the first rule of networking is to never ask for a job.

Let’s say you make a good connection and they tell you to keep in touch. That’s the worst! Because they want you to keep in touch, but not too much in touch.

So now I find myself trying to formulate the perfect email, updating someone on my life enough so they remember who I am, but not too much where I’m blowing up their inbox. Plus, I have to strategize what goes in those emails, making sure I’m writing interesting enough stuff to look good while somehow making that pivot into setting up a time to meet and pretend I’m not begging for a job.

This takes the precision accuracy of a bomb technician, except you’re expected to be working on 17 bombs at once.

We’ve been taught to apply to as many opportunities as possible. I mean, the first rule of networking is applying everywhere that will accept your resume. Almost nobody I know has gotten a position by just sending in an application. We’ve been led to believe that, just like getting admitted to college, if you try your hardest, get good grades, do a bunch of extracurriculars and have a really good application, you’ll be accepted.

That’s not the case — it should be — but we’re so far removed from that.

Why don’t we just stick to applications? Then, college students don’t have to harass actual adults who have work to do. Also, the most qualified people will get the job. So what I’m saying is let’s overthrow the system.

Wait, hold on, scratch that. My dad just got me my dream internship by telling all the people that work for him to hire me. I totally get it now, that was so easy, you guys should try having a dad that runs a company and can get you your dream job.

Pretend I never said that. Networking is so easy, all I had to do was ask Daddy nicely.

Good luck with internship season, everybody!

Josh Feinblatt is a junior television, radio and film major. If you’re an employer who is reading this, he is kidding, this is a humor column, he totally wants to be your friend and definitely doesn’t really want an internship. For all internships that you want to offer him he can be reached by email at jfeinbla@syr.edu or on Twitter @joshfeinblatt.

Published on March 19, 2018 at 11:51 am